Water, water, everywhere water. Know it, embrace it, manage it or drown. Same goes for cars, trucks, chain saws, knives, crowbars, blowtorches, teakettles and guns. I will not be denied the pragmatic, functional utility of anything based on the inept, clumsy, irresponsible failure of brain-dead, uncoordinated numskulls.
I will not drown; drink and drive; chain-saw massacre anyone; stumble; slice, burn or shoot myself, nor will I ever hold up a bank. So the best advice would be to think, improvise, adapt and overcome, man up, but by all means, leave me alone. You don't ban electric guitars just because someone may have a lapse in logic, goodwill and decency and spontaneously break out into country and Western music. The vast majority of sensible people will use electric guitars as God intended and whip out good, sexy rock 'n' roll licks.
I need my cars, trucks, chain saws, knives, crowbars, blowtorches, scalding-hot water, guitars and guns, thank you. Amazingly, I have mastered them all, and they are all wonderful ingredients for my American dream of rugged individualism, declared independence and self-sufficiency. They all serve me well, and I am not giving up any of them. Ever.
The masses must never be controlled for the sake of the lunatic fringe. Remember "Don't Tread on Me"? Don't.
The National Rifle Association (NRA) was formed 139 years ago. Members of this ultimate "we the people" grass-roots family organization dedicated to the self-evident truth of self-defense will gather together in Charlotte, N.C., May 14 through 16 for our annual meetings to celebrate good over evil. It is a beautiful thing. I will be there.
With NRA memberships increasing and gun and ammo sales and concealed-weapons permits surging at unprecedented rates, never in the history of mankind have more people possessed more firepower and, most significantly, carried more concealed weapons on their persons than today across America.
And the inescapable truth - as FBI crime reports and numerous law enforcement and academic studies conclude - is that more guns clearly equal less crime. Where there are more guns per capita, violent crime goes down, particularly crimes of assault, such as rape, burglary and robbery. This is good. This is what the NRA stands for. Anti-gunners, not so much.
It is indeed Chicago Mayor Richard Daley's gun-ban dream of "gun-free zones" that have proved to be the guaranteed slaughter zones, where the most innocent lives are lost every time. Think Columbine, Virginia Tech, Lane Bryant, Northwest Illinois University, New Jersey, Salt Lake City and Omaha malls, Luby's Cafeteria, Calgary University, Toronto, Washington, D.C., Chicago, Boston, Flight 93, the mayor's office in San Francisco, ad nauseam. Peace and love will get you killed, and unarmed helplessness is a welcome matt for evil. It's common sense unless, of course, your anthem goes "baaa ... baaa ... baaa."
So why in God's good name would any human being wish to force unarmed helplessness on another? That level of cruel indecency and forced victimization is incomprehensible to me and about 100 million Americans who own guns and believe in self-defense. The lunatic-fringe left won't dare touch the issue of gun control. Self-defense is the most powerful, driving instinct in good people everywhere. To deny this is evil personified.
Write this down: Gun-free zones are a felon's playground. Ban gun-free zones now. Join the NRA.
Good people don't want the rapist to succeed. We want him dead. We don't want our homes invaded. We want invaders dead. We don't like carjackers. We like them dead. We don't like armed robbers. We like them dead.
We have examined all the evidence we could possibly need to know that calling 911 is a joke unless, of course, the cops bring a dustpan and a mop to clean up the dead monster we just shot while protecting our families.
The choice is clear: Gun control as forced by the Chuck Schumers and Michael Bloombergs of the world is complicit in every violent crime committed. Conversely, gun control a la Ted Nugent is putting the second shot through the same hole as the first shot, where innocent lives are saved and recidivistic maggots come to a screeching halt, felled by the lovely ballet of good over evil we call the "Double Tap Center Mass Boogie." Learn it, know it, love it, shoot it. Good guys should live, bad guys, not so much.
It is reassuring and ultimately convenient that fresh from escaping the scourge of tyranny and slavery of kings and emperors, our brilliant, sensible Founding Fathers knew it was important to write down the self-evident truth that the right to self-defense is surely a God-given individual right to keep and bear arms.
Write this down, too: "To keep" means it is mine, you can't have it. "Bear" means I've got mine right here on me. "Shall not be infringed" echoes that beautiful "Don't Tread on Me" chorus. Sing it.
I like the U.S. Constitution and our sacred Bill Of Rights, but quite frankly, I don't really need them to know in my heart and soul the list of self-evident truths therein. Those came from thinking, common-sense men who refused to be helpless, dependent slaves to anyone or anything. Those truths are all burned forever into my soul. I live them, no matter what.
Meanwhile, in order to stop the drowning and murders, I will work on banning water; President Obama can try to ban guns. Good luck. Save an innocent life, join the NRA and celebrate 139 years of keeping and bearing. Drive a bad guy nuts. Then shoot him.